I take time off to write gay porn columns and the whole world gets screwed. There were catty women and washed up old-timers saying and doing anything to get attention -- and that was TV Land’s "Harry Loves Lisa." There was no sign of unity after the elections, as both parties blamed each other for a corrupt electorate -- that happened on "Dancing with the Stars." But the ugliest development was the hateful, malicious, downright homophobic vile spewed at gay people -- let’s just hope "The A-List" gets canceled soon. It’s all so dirty the porn I wrote about is beginning to make me feel clean.
I tried to acclimate to real life, but found out it was replaced by Sarah Palin, who’s apparently the new commander-in-chief. Absurd, of course, as we all know Glenn Beck’s in charge. Palin’s on Fox, the Learning Channel (try saying that one with a straight face), and, with the help of her daughter, "Teen Sexually Activist" Bristol, the show formerly known as fun. If that’s not enough, Sarah thinks (try saying that one with a straight face) we should attack South Korea and people who believe obesity is a bad thing; apparently, Palin’s convinced she’ll be able to see Russia easier if everyone over there has a big fat ass.
Even Mama Grizzly’s hunting skills are a fraud: It was revealed on politicususa.com that her bragging about fresh "blood under her nails" at a recent Kansas City speech was either a lie or illegal. The Alaska Fish and Game Department has no record of a hunting license for Palin, and their season lasted only one day this year, August 29th. Palin was at Beck’s "Rally to Restore Honor" on the 28th. In the meantime, Palin’s response to daughter Willow’s "faggot" tirade on Facebook led Mom to say her poor children have to deal with so many lies they get carried away. Palin did not remind viewers that, when Rahm Emanuel said "retarded" at a closed meeting, she demanded Obama fire him. If it walks like a duck and quacks like a duck it’s whatever Sarah calls it.
Contrary to Dan Savage’s wonderful viral project, it gets worse. Cindy McCain brings new meaning to the porn term "flip-fucker," assuming two positions at the same time. Along with husband McBlame, they’re screwing everyone over in the process. Cindy did a No H8 clip promoting the repeal of DADT, then Tweeted against it the next day. In the meantime, Tony Perkins, came out (ahem) to say the repeal of DADT would encourage Barack Obama to re-instate the draft. Apparently, all the straight men in the Armed Forces would be so frightened they’d go GAYWOL.
Um, Tony, those scenes where the soldiers take each other hostage, force them to have sex at gunpoint, and then convert them into horny homos only happens on those pay channels you watch while your cronies are whining that the Family Research Council doesn’t hate gay people. Homosexuals, according to Perkins, are simply "abnormal." That’s not hatred, that’s Christian.
Speaking of salacious smut, I was so busy covering the world of porn I didn’t have time to cover the far sleazier story of Virginia Thomas speed-dialing Anita Hill to ask that she apologize for accusing hubby Clarence of sexual harassment. "Ginny" later said the 7 a.m. Saturday morning phone message at Hill’s office was meant as an "olive branch" and "certainly no offense was ever intended."
Unless Thomas thinks an olive branch is another term for draining your martini glass, there are a few indecent proposals in her tale. She asks Hill for an apology from 19 years ago, suggests she "pray" about it, and calls it a peace offering. Somewhere in the dark recesses of his robe-and-gavel brain, Clarence is imagining a naked Hill on her knees, praying, with Ginny donning a dominatrix outfit and whipping the girl into submission. Which doesn’t really surprise me as it’s pretty much how the good judge handles the law of the land.
Further through the looking glass, Michelle Bachmann told Anderson Cooper that Barack Obama’s India trip would cost taxpayers 2 billion dollars a day. Bachmann got her hard-hitting story from an unidentified news source in India and didn’t back it up or have someone do something rash, you know, like check the facts. (Give the anti-Socialist, Tea Party cheerleader a break; she’s busy counting money from the government subsidies she receives for her family’s farm.)
The story had no basis in reality (which didn’t stop Hate Radio from covering it), but let’s cut Bachmann some slack. If Dubya’s Invasion of Iraq was built on lies and manipulation, and he’s now running around a free man, bragging about his illegal authorization of waterboarding on the talk-show circuit, then Bachmann should be free to call a spade a really dark, anti-American, Commie spade.
Meanwhile, Republican Darrell Issa, the next Chairman of the House Oversight and Government Reform Committee (read: Subpoenas!), called Obama "one of the most corrupt presidents in modern times" and promised to go after his ties with ACORN, among other nuts. For the record, Issa went on CNN after winning the election and clarified his rash remarks. The President, he explained, is not "personally corrupt." To quote from the scene in "The Owl and the Pussycat," when a hooker is forced to defend her lifestyle to a writer: "I may be a prostitute but I am not promiscuous!"
Nothing mirrored my own grope-viewing more than the Right’s foul-play cries over the new TSA airport screenings. Chris Christie, Mike Huckabee, Rick Perry, "...and the rest" have now decided that government is invading people’s privacy -- can you imagine such a world under any other President? -- calling instead for the simple profiling that made this great country what it is. (Because no terrorist would ever be smart enough to plant a bomb in an attractive blonde woman’s panties.)
Forgetting for a moment that the Right wants to privatize your privates, they do have a point: As this column went to press, it was reported that a San Francisco man had ejaculated during a pat-down by a male agent. Turns out, the 47-year-old gay man had "multiple piercings on his manhood," and became aroused when the agent fondled him. The story became an Internet sensation within minutes of its posting by Dead Serious News, all the scarier as no one bothered to check that DSN is a satirical news site a la "The Onion."
And why should they? Truth, in 2010, is, as Joe Wilson’s character says in "Fair Game," a matter of who screams the loudest, and no one screams louder than liars. If Glenn Beck can call George Soros the "puppet master" determined to overthrow America, and still have a job -- and listeners -- and Texas Representative Leo Berman can spew Birther lies about the President, and still have a job (and about 30 percent of Americans on his side), then why bother with facts. In politics, unlike porn, no really does mean yes.
"Fair Game" tells the true story of outed CIA Agent Valerie Plame, whose job was leaked by Bush’s playground bullies after husband Wilson wrote a "New York Times" op-ed piece denying that he found evidence that Niger was smuggling nukes to Iraq -- "evidence" that was used in George Bush’s State of the Union Address, and fomented the rush to war. It’s a terrifying story, all the more so because I have to remind people of its plot.
Sensationalized TV wasn’t appealing until I realized that, in its reflection, the Republican-controlled House issued 1,000 subpoenas in their investigation of the Clintons; the Republican-led Government Reform committee issued 11 subpoenas to the Bush administration. Sarah Palin has an 80 percent approval rating among Republicans; and some Democrats who think she can’t beat Obama and who stupidly underestimate the power of stupidity. And the United Nations just removed "sexual orientation" from its list of persons protected from arbitrary execution. Among the "gay-friendly" countries that would like to kill you are South Africa, Belize, and, just a stoning-throw away, the Bahamas.
Perhaps I’ll go back to the fantasy of adult films. When a guy takes off his clothes in porn, you know exactly what you’re getting.