Hedda Dishes Drag Race :: First Ladies
Hello gentle Americans. After watching episode 9 of "RuPaul’s Drag Race" I have this to say: Michelle Visage should keep her big mouth shut and just let her big boobs do the talking; Santino (that’s his name, right?) should stop judging and go back to being a pallbearer; Phi-Phi should never be allowed to speak without a teleprompter and the threat of death if she drifts from the script; RuPaul should get a new designer; Chad Michaels was robbed and Absolut Vodka obviously impairs some people’s judgment.
In this week’s episode, the five remaining contestants were thrust onto the political stage and had to debate with the hopes of becoming the next drag president of the United States of America. Having run in 2008, I understand the hardships of running a campaign. The lonely nights spent in hotels, kissing dirty baby after dirty baby, and getting on my knees and begging for the people’s votes. Thankfully the homosexual lifestyle gave me lots of practice; making the skin on my knees as thick as an elephant’s hide.
Each contestant would have to prepare an opening and closing statement and then be grilled by Dan Savage (celebrity judge) and Michele Visage in regard to their platform. RuPaul’s direction for this challenge was confusing and misguided. Asking drag queens to run for president is hysterical. Asking them to deal with serious political issues is completely asinine. But that is just what RuPaul did.
Privately the queens may have intelligent and thought-provoking things to say about politics (save for Dita Ritz and Phi-Phi), but this is a fluff show about drag. Do you hear me Ru, fluff!?! We want color, camp, comedy, and craft. Though I do like when the show is lightly peppered with issues dealing with bullying; that is a natural fit. But do I care what these queens think about health care, global warming and contraception? Not unless it is done with a comedic tongue. After hearing the remaining contestants, most of them should have had their tongues removed.
Phi-Phi’s amateurish interpretation of a racist Sarah Palin-esque character had the contestants and panel saying, "No, she didn’t!" Not only did she insult the African American queens by calling them the "help," she also stepped over her words and pushed her character so far it fell off the comedy cliff. Phi-Phi does not have the intelligence or comedic talent to pull off a conservative presidential contender. Once again she reminded me that she is not a force to be reckoned with. She should have been placed in the bottom two. But sadly that was not the case.
Frankly, the only contestant that got it right this week was Chad Michaels. He created this sassy Puerto Rican queen adorned with pink pompoms and a stanky attitude. His timing was impeccable and his commentary hysterical and consistent. In the final runway walk Chad was the only one who looked like a first lady and President all rolled into one, channeling Lady Bird Johnson with dead on accuracy. For you dum-dums, Lady Bird Johnson was the wife of the 36th President of the United States, Lyndon Baines Johnson. Sharon Need-less (who was excellent as well) won the vote. Still upon her win I cried out, "Recount!" Obviously there were some hanging chads (and I am not talking Miss Michaels nuts) that tainted the vote and gave the title to Sharon. Though Chad’s loss may be in part to Michele Visage’s commentary.
"I liked Chad’s performance, but once again she was playing a character," Michele said. "I would like to see the real Chad." What the fuck are you talking about lady? The real Chad is a forty-ish something flat chested man, who has to shave her nuts and then deftly tuck them up her ass. In the next runway show would you like her to appear like that? She is a drag queen who impersonates celebrities and she created a unique character for this challenge. What didn’t you get about that Michelle?
By the end of the show Dita Ritz and Latrice Royal found themselves in the bottom two and had to lip-synch for their life to Gladys Knight’s "I’ve Got To Use My Imagination." Thankfully both contestants kept their heels on, but Dita left nothing to the imagination. Pulling off her dress, she hopped around the stage like a headless chicken; as Latrice gave an amazing old school lip-synch which reminded me of New York City’s very own, Sweetie.
Latrice understood the lyrics and the meaning of the song; giving us great lip backed up by amazing stage presence. Dita (of the ashy knees) was sent home and the remaining contestants were kicked in their tranny nut clusters when they heard one of the losing contestants would be brought back into the competition. Who will that be? My bet goes to Wilam. America loves a bitch and the other queens despise her, making for good TV. Who will be knocked off next week? Hopefully it is not Latrice; I am crossing my delicate fingers and rooting for Phi-Phi.
Stay fresh,
x
Hedda Lettuce
