Bill O'Reilly Isn't Gay for McDonald's

Ronald McDonald is trying to turn your children into gay terrorists. Just ask Bill O'Reilly.

A recent controversy has erupted over a television commercial being run in France by McDonald's that slightly hints at the idea that gay people may possibly exist. The 'offensive' commercial in question features a young man in his 20's, looking at a class picture while sitting in a McDonald's restaurant. His father sits down next to him with a tray of McDonald's 'food.' They then proceed to have the following abhorrent and reprehensible conversation (in French!!):

TOTALLY LIBERAL FATHER:
"Is this your class picture?"

TOTALLY GAY SON:
"Yes."

TOTALLY LIBERAL FATHER:
"You look just like me at your age. Let me tell you, I was quite the ladies' man. Too bad your class is all boys. You could get all the girls."

TOTALLY SOCIALIST MCDONALD'S SLOGAN:
"Come as you are."

It's implied that after eating their 'healthy' meal of McDonald's 'food,' the Totally Liberal Father and Totally Gay Son then leave to spend the rest of their weekend supporting socialist healthcare, volunteering at an abortion clinic, and helping Acorn register dead people to vote for Obama in 2012. I realize that this doesn't entirely make sense, considering the fact that the commercial takes place in France, but it doesn't matter because I'm offended.

Fade to black.

Cue the boycott.

Naturally, Bill O'Reilly is offended too. In a recent segment on The O'Reilly Factor, the host brought on Jane Skinner, a Fox News Channel anchor, to discuss the 'controversy' surrounding the gay French McDonald's ad. After replaying the ad in question, Skinner then asked the following question "What does being gay have to do with eating a hamburger at McDonald's?"

Exactly.

It's worth pointing out that the supposedly 'gay' ad never once mentions the words "gay" or "boyfriend" or "sex" or "rainbow flag" or "anal penetration" or "drag queen" or "full blown AIDS" or "hot tranny mess" or "hey everyone, let's become a sodomite" or any of the other phrases that gay people always say every single day of their lives. Instead, a father and a son have a really boring conversation about the father when he was in school. In fact, they don't even mention mutual masturbation. Not even once.

The conversation has nothing to do with eating a hamburger at McDonald's. Being gay has nothing to do with eating a hamburger at McDonald's anymore than Paris Hilton 'sexily' washing a car has to do with eating a hamburger at Carl's Jr. These are simply gimmicky ideas, sketches, conversations, promotions, and celebrities who employ various methods to get the public to spend their money as often as possible. McDonald's doesn't care about gay rights as much as it cares about selling another 97 billion hamburgers. If portraying the average McDonald's consumer in commercials as a fat midwestern Christian with a third-grade education meant selling more hamburgers, then the company would do so faster than the average McDonald's worker can say "Would you like fries with that?"

At the controversial heart of O'Reilly's comments regarding the Totally Gay Liberal McDonald's commercial is his intelligent question, "Come as you are . . . Do they have an Al Qaeda ad, you know, come as you are? You know?" No Bill O'Reilly, I don't know. Most gay people I know do not hide from predator drones by hiding in the damp caves of Afghanistan. I repeat: most gay people I know.

In O'Reilly's mind, a father nonchalantly stating "Let me tell you, I was quite the ladies' man. Too bad your class is all boys" is comparable to the full support of gay rights. And the support of gay rights is comparable to promoting Al Qaeda. Obviously. So if we follow this logic, anyone who eats french fries at McDonald's supports terrorism. The end.

O'Reilly ends his segment with "It will never run in the U.S . . . I guarantee you that will not run here." And he's right: television commercials in the U.S. never have gay characters or themes. Well, except for this Quiznos ad. And this Snickers ad. And this MTV ad. And this Orbitz ad. And this Progressive ad. And any of the hundreds of both blatant and nuanced gay ads that litter television every single day.

This ridiculous ad won't make anyone gay anymore than it will make anyone a terrorist. In fact, it barely achieves its goal of making anyone hungry. Perhaps instead of being offended by McDonald's commercials, Bill O'Reilly should probably reserve his anger for that which truly deserves it: McDonald's food.

Now that's offensive.