March 12, 2017

An Artful Guide to Sexting

Cutter Slagle READ TIME: 3 MIN.

They say a picture is worth a 1,000 words. However, with today's smartphone choices, apps and selfie sticks (yes, you look like a douche when using the tool), it may be safer to say a picture is worth a lot less. And in some instances, just downright gross!

Everyone sexts. If you don't, you're either a liar or a prude... or maybe both. Hell, even Jennifer Lawrence has admitted to sexting. Some say the now-mandatory-before-meeting "dick pic" is even a form of art. I can honestly say I've never personally received a sext that is worthy of Picasso's signature and I've seen my fair share of cock-a-doodle-doos. What...? It's all been in the name of research and, therefore, tax deductible.

Regardless, there is still a certain amount of couth that goes, or should go, into the act of snapping a photo of your junk:

  • For starters, don't be lazy! No one likes the guy who conveniently takes a picture of himself while sitting on the toilet. We're not fooled, or impressed... in fact, we're turned off, disgusted and probably
    won't respond.

  • Next, clean the damned mirror before you start impersonating Annie Leibovitz! You may be a man, showing off your "manhood," but surely your mother taught you how to use Windex and a paper towel? It's not just a chore for girls, one squirt works, though two is better. Consider this tidbit too: If you can't be bothered to clean your bathroom mirror, what
    else can we assume you're not properly "taking care of?"

  • Let's pretend you've just been asked to appear on the cover of Vogue... okay, for some of you, Us Weekly. If you had a photo shoot coming up, wouldn't you do your hair? While sexting can sometimes happen in an impromptu sort of manner, any gay worth his salt (on the margarita rim, please) has a "go to" stash of files saved on his phone, just for this occasion.

  • Lastly, be mindful of what can be seen in the image you send: Wedding rings, identifiable tattoos, that off-brand vodka you later plan to put into a Belvedere bottle, in order to pass it off as expensive... You know, the incriminating evidence that could later be used against you in a court of law. Or, worse yet, in a gay bar.

    Of course, this all becomes moot, thanks to a little app known as Snapchat. Ah, the chat of the snap, where genitals can pop up in your face and then disappear (literally) in the blink of an eye. Seriously, what did we do before this little gem came about? Pray our private parts wouldn't later appear on someone's Tumblr page?

    Even with Snapchat, as well as the bulletproof plan of cropping your face out so that someone can't go back later and play "pin the dick on the donkey," is sexting really ever safe? No matter how protected (and artful) you choose to make the scene, damage can still be done. That includes damage to your health, because your phone definitely has an STD by now. No one is a monogamous sexter.

    Unfortunately, too few people consider the most consequential effect associated with sexting: It all but ruins your chances of having a relationship - a real relationship - with the person on the other end of the phone, iPad, tablet, computer, or "whatever the hell" device you use to get freaky-nasty. After all, if you see someone's penis before actually meeting in person, what are the chances anything more than sex will transpire?

    Sexting isn't worth a 1,000 words, it's worth one... Disappointment. No matter how much fun you have "in the moment," or how artful the whole scenario truly is, the thrill of sexting A) rarely lasts, and B) lives up to the "real deal." How bout dat?

    by Cutter Slagle

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